would you like to know my secret identity

I was obsessed with the song “Lola” by The Kinks. My truth was so deeply repressed, even I couldn’t see it, but looking back, there were signs that seem so obvious to me now. I wasn’t allowed to know, and I certainly wasn’t given permission to explore it. But the truth is, I didn’t know I was trans before now. But sometimes they aren’t quite so fun, like when I get an anxiety that people are angry at me because they think I was tricking them my whole life. Now that I am “out”, I experience a lot of wonderful new emotions and thoughts I have never had before. I was transgender.īut I only figured that out about nine months ago, after grappling with a series of life events that led me to finally be able to put a word to this reality that I had been repressing for so long. My conflict came from my innate need and want to do the things that genetic girls or women get to do. Which was painfully and ironically the opposite of how I presented to the world: as a man. This inner misalignment and horrific fear of expressing the person I really was inside. Only now do I understand it as a deep dissatisfaction with myself. I truly felt like “I had it all” and that I was living the dream.īut there was always something gnawing away at me that I never understood and couldn’t explain. I married the most amazing woman and I became the father of three beautiful children.

I worked hard to have all the right academic degrees and build the right networks. I was the Founder & CEO of a fast growing technology company. For 39 years, I did my best to live my life as a man named Nathan Egan and to hit the different markers of “success” that culture had defined for me.

Would you like to know my secret identity